


Straight up lie

by emimix3



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Canon Queer Character, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Issues, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Meet the Family, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Queer Themes, friends to better friends, period being the 2010's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-21 09:44:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20691461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emimix3/pseuds/emimix3
Summary: Mama wouldn't stop being on Bitty's case aboutwhenthey'll get to meet a girlfriend of his. Bitty was a bit too gay to ever find one.So yeah. This plan madesomesense, really. He just had to fake a relationship, for one week-end, and then they'll leave him alone.





	1. Short, but vigorous

**Author's Note:**

> Hello !
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy !  
It's fully written, next parts should be up within the week as soon as I get around trying to check the English
> 
> I should just begin a series that is "Bitty parents aren't _awful_ people but they really aren't that great truly"
> 
> It's the very first piece I began to write for OMGCP, that made me want to write again - and, one year and a half later, I've finished it! Yey me !
> 
> CW for some homophobia & racism

Bitty hung up the phone, more suddenly that he ever did before. A simple “Sorry, gotta go, class begins, bye.” before he dropped the phone a bit too hard on the counter and he went back to his bread dough, that he was now kneading way too vigorously.

He knew that Lardo, Ransom and Holster were sitting at the kitchen table, and that they probably stopped their homework to look at him and listen to the conversation.

It had begun… Nicely. A normal phone call with his mom while baking, as usual on Thursday afternoons. Conversation that, once again, turned sour, but this time, Bitty hadn’t been able to hide his hurt with a happy voice and a nice lie.

“Uh… Bro… you okay?” Ransom asked, to get rid of the awfully awkward silence.

“I’m good, I’m good,” Bitty chanted, as he was elbow-deep into his dough. “I’m good.”

None of the seniors dared to say a thing, looking at him - a bit terrified - twisting the dough as if it was the head of this one LAX player who always spitted homophobic “jokes”. It only took him one minute to stop; he was working the bread so hard that he hurt himself, knocking his elbow nerve on the rim of the bowl, forcing him to stop what he was doing.

One hand holding his elbow, he finally said, with a soft, soft voice:

“I’m not good at all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Holster asked.

“No. Yes. It’s just… I don’t know.” Bitty babbled, tears about to run down.

Lardo had to take him away from the counter and sit him at the table, across from her, because he wasn’t about to move alone, except to curl onto himself.

“What was the phone call about?” Ransom inquired.

“As- as usual,” Bitty said while blowing his nose with a probably already used tissue Holster gave him. “How are you? How are your grades? How are your friends? How is school? Don’t forget we arrive tomorrow at three. How is hockey? Do you have a girlfriend? One of your daddy’s colleague’s sister’s daughter, a nice girl she is, pretty and single, is going to be in Boston for a while, don’t you want to help her discover the city and settle in, wink wink? It’s… It’s exhausting. She and Coach… They spent the summer trying to set me up with the neighbor’s daughter. I cannot speak about a girl classmate without them having stars in their eyes. And I just… Can’t come out to them. I mean, I try, but they… I don’t know. I _can’t._ I have no idea of how they’ll react. They… They never talk about any LGBT topic in front of me. They totally _ignore_ the subject. And they’re coming this weekend, and I don’t want them to come and to have to go back in the closet here too, and I’m a coward, and I can’t tell them why I’ll never get a _girl_friend, so they harass me to get one, and I’m rambling.”

Holster was tapping his shoulder, very probably telepathically asking for help to Ransom considering the grimace on the other’s boy’s face. Bitty was usually the one comforting people having break downs, not the one having them.

Lardo looked at Bitty crying for a few seconds, and then shrugged, and said:

“Ok. I’ll do it.”

“What?”

“I’ll do it. I’ll be your girlfriend, Bitty.”

Silence.

“What?”

“It’s just… It’s logical? I mean, hear me out. Your parents are coming, you don’t want to but we can’t do much about that. Thing is, they won’t stop asking you about a girlfriend? I’ll be your beard. We’ll say we’re together, then in a few weeks you’ll tell them we had a very ugly break-up and they will leave you alone for a while. You gotta spend the weekend in the closet anyway, so do it in a way that make your parents happy, so they’re out of your hair, and by Sunday evening you’re as free as a rainbow butterfly again.”

“Lards, that will never work. It only works like, in movies,” Ransom cut her off.

“And in movies, they say ‘I love you’ under the rain and they always end up together for real when they do that,” Holster added. “And they don’t look half as gay as our Bitty does, no offense.”

“Absolutely none taken.”

“Of course it works!” Lardo countered. “You can feed straight people any story and label it as ‘straight romance’ and they will eat this shit up. My bi ass knows something about that; I had a girlfriend back in high school, and my parents knew I was seeing someone and I couldn’t come out, so I asked a random classmate to be my fake boyfriend for a few family reunions. They still ask after him.”

“Lardo,” Holster began, “you can’t ask Bitty to go back that _deep_ into the closet-”

“Okay,” Bitty cut him, “Let’s do that. Let’s do that. What could go wrong? I mean, besides everything. I’d still rather have everything go mayhem than having to come out.”

* * *

diffusion.haus_regulars@hockey.samwell.edu ; diffusion.haus_squatters@hockey.samwell.edu 

**Object: Last orders for the weeken**

Hi everyone!

As you may know, some of our parents (bitty’s, holster’s) are coming this weekend and staying @the haus. Friendly reminder of the rules when parents are here:

1- The concept of weed and tobacco and booze doesn’t exist anymore. The words “joints” and “cigarettes” and “kegsters” shall not cross your lips under any circumstances. Smokes are allowed in the frontyard after dark if no one can see from the Haus, but it’d be better to do it on the LAX team’s yard. Don’t forget to trash it with the butts

2- Clothes are a must-have. The principal offender of this rule isn’t here anymore, but in case anyone would like to carry on his legacy, wait for Monday.

3- No impromptu kegster, no one comes to get laid in the basement, all the condoms have been hidden in Chowder’s and I’s bathroom, ask if needed.

To those rules, are added for this weekend:

. If anyone asks, Holster **_keeps kosher_**. He never tasted bacon in the history of ever, and doesn’t even know what a shrimp looks like. Also, Ollie, if you can say that “we both go to shul every week, and not every month or so when we’re bored” you’d be “a real bro, bro”

. If anyone asks, Bitty is straight and never has had a homosexual thought in his life, ever. He doesn’t even know boys exist. And he’s going out with me since September. We’re cute as fuck together and you all wish to find someone like we found each other. Our babies will be short, but vigorous.

I know that’s a lot to ask, but you’re regulars/residents. Bitty feeds you more than your mom ever have. Remember that.

Thank you for your time,

Lardo.

PS – there’s black boxers from a big-bootied person that have been forgotten in the dryer. Ask the caps to get it back and be ready to be chirped at.

**Re:** **Last orders for the weeken**

We understand that you may be too embarrassed to ask for the boxers back so we pinned ‘em down on the dashboard right in the middle of the constantly occupied living-room, you just have to pick them up. Love you all

– Ransom


	2. My gf's bf's (my BFF)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of feelings about the last update (4.14) and I'm happy that the Bittles are better parents in canon than how I write them. I still love to write them like _this_.

Bitty and Lardo barely had time to make up a believable story about their couple, that Friday was coming, and with that, Mr and Mrs Bittle. They arrived at the airport around the same time Holster’s parents did, so he went to pick them all up while everyone in the Haus was helping to hide the last evidence that it was basically a frat house. A nice blanket was even covering the filth that was the Green Couch. All in all, it almost looked the part, as long as no one was entering Chowder’s bedroom, where everything frat-y was stashed, including casks of alcohol, way too many bras when no one in this Haus was wearing one, and the beer pong and Battleships tables.

When the doorbell rang at three thirty, it’s Ransom who left everyone in the living-room to go open the door. Bitty was so stressed he was twitching while trying to focus on the card game between Chowder and Dex, and Nursey and Lardo were both editing her essay on her laptop. Before the front door opened, she mouthed to Bitty “Still on?” but he didn’t answer, instead concentrating on his breathing.

When Ransom opened the door, Suzanne and Richard Bittle stormed in with Ariel and Ariel Birkholtz -who hugged Ransom on the way-, a very tired, very done Holster -who was carrying four bags- in toe.

“I’m going to kill them all, and then myself,” he shushed to Ransom as he went past him and the parents went straight to the living-room.

“Day one, bro. Day one.”

It’s Chowder who was the first to react when the Adults® came in the room, putting his cards down to beam:

“Hi Mr and Mrs Holster, hi Mr and Mrs Bittle!”

“Birkholtz. It’s Birkholtz,” Dex whispered.

“Mama! Coach!” Bitty had whipped his hands on his jeans and stood up to go hug his mother. “How was your flight?”

“Dicky, honey! The flight was great. It’s so nice to have invited us!”

Technically, Bitty hadn’t as much invited them as they had invited themselves, not being able to come for parents’ weekend but wanting to come watch one of their son’s matches.

“Are you going to introduce us, son?” Coach asked, after a quick one-armed hug with Bitty.

“Oh, yes, yes, of course. So… Everyone, this is my parents.”

Everyone was focused on him, even Mr and Mrs Birkholtz, who were now on the couch with Ransom and Holster.

“And, so… You met Hols- Adam, of course. This is Ransom - uh, Justin ; Chowder, remember mama, I told you about him? There’s William and Nursey, and Ollie and Wicks were here two minutes ago I have no idea where they left, and. Um. Mama, Coach, uh.”

Bitty had listed everyone present and there was only Lardo left. She had got up to stand next to him, nudging him to _just do it_.

“Remember Lardo? Larissa. She’s… my… _girl_friend.”

Every word was tearing Bitty’s mouth, but honestly, seeing his mother’s eyes shining like they had never shined when she heard the word “girlfriend”? _That _teared him whole.

“A girlfriend? Dicky, I’m so happy, your Daddy and I had begun to fear that…”

Probably for the best, she didn’t finish her sentence, sobbing into Bitty’s embrace. He felt like sobbing too.

* * *

Bitty’s parents followed him in the kitchen when he sent to take his pies out of the oven a few minutes later, and Lardo tagged along because well, she was family now and Ariel & Ariel were using way too many words she didn’t understand while quizzing their son.

Ollie and Wicks were already in the kitchen, Wicks sitting on the counter and Ollie leaning against the fridge, each with a coffee mug in hand.

“Wicks, get down of my counter.”

He did get down, not even chirping Bitty about the possessive as everyone usually did, but neither he or Ollie gave a hint of thinking about leaving the room, instead focusing on them all while sipping their coffees.

From the living room, a faint “Adam, why is there a pair of boxers pinned on the wall?” could be heard.

“So, Larissa. You are Dicky’s girlfriend,” Suzanne said, with a huge smile.

“Yes. That, I am. Dicky’s girlfriend. Little Di-Di other half. His… Incredible woman.”

They should have taken into consideration that Lardo _couldn’t act_ before agreeing to this plan. Like, got thrown out of middle school’s play can’t-act level.

“Dicky, why haven’t you told us anything before?”

“Oh, you know-” Bitty began, with a smile way too fake as he was checking the oven. “Too shy to tell my parents how… Incredibly in love with this woman I am. And how fast she makes my heart… straight out beat. Like, wow. What are words. What a girl.”

It’s also not tomorrow that Bitty will get an acting Oscar, and that’s honestly best for everyone that he turned out to be a figure skating gay and not a musical theatre one.

The saddest was probably the fact that his mom hummed in agreement.

“So, how did you… Decide to get together?” Coach asked, frowning at Lardo. Suzanne also turned towards her, forgetting the pie her son just put on the counter.

“I…-” forgot the get-together story she and Bitty pieced together the day before, of fucking course, but improvisation makes things much more natural anyway, “- had always thought he was. Handsome?” she glared at Bitty for confirmation, but he just looked horrified. “And he told me I -er… was pretty. So we decided to go out together. Back in. September. Yey us.”

Behind his mother’s back, Bitty brought his hands to his face as if he was praying to try to hide his despair. He could hear Ollie snickers near him. Didn’t he leave?

“That is so cute,” Suzanne dreamingly said, both hands on her heart. “That reminds me how Judy and her husband got together…”

“Oh, really? I always wondered how they did get together. They are like, polar opposites who never agree on anything and are always arguing,” Bitty said, to keep the conversation topic away from himself. “I mean, when Aunt Judy isn’t cooking or cleaning or taking care of the kids and Pat isn’t watching TV with his friends. Of course they can’t argue then.”

“Love is really stronger than anything, isn’t it?” Suzanne replied. “Even people that different can fall in love.”

Lardo, behind Coach’s back, was mouthing ‘straight people’ at Bitty, who decided not to continue on this topic. Honestly, what could he say? He couldn’t fathom getting together with someone with whom he couldn’t be _friends_, so Aunt Judy’s relationship had always been a weird eldritch creature to him. She and her husband were a sad couple, in a sad marriage, and they only got together because they were cute and everyone kept going on about how perfect they were to each other. It made no sense.

But now, with all the pies out of the oven, they moved to the living room where everyone was on the floor, still playing cards, except for Holster who was chatting with his parents on the couch. Seeing the Bittles coming in, he gladly left his spot on the couch to Suzanne to go sitting with the others on the floor, leaving the armchair wide open for Coach to sit on.

“It’s awful,” he whispered to Lardo when she sat next to him. “I feel like I have bacon breath. I’m certain my mom can see straight through my clothes to see my tattoo.”

“You have a tattoo?”

“It’s not that much of a tattoo but more of a mistake,” Ransom supplied.

* * *

Before five, Lardo collected her stuff to leave. She had an art project to work on, and she wanted to run far, far, far away. Also, it wasn’t like she was saying much; after realising that she couldn’t act to save her life (or Bitty’s, in this case) she decided to just shut up to maintain the illusion. Sadly, she was still in the living room. With Bitty.

And Bitty’s parents.

The day before, they had established boundaries, and what was okay and what was not to make sure to be as credible as possible. Bitty had been full of bravado, and had agreed to basically everything, but now, now that he knew that his mama was right there and was smiling like it was Jesus’ new coming on this Earth while watching Bitty and Lardo holding hands on the couch, well suddenly Bitty was a coward.

But you need to make it believable, Bitty.

You can do it.

Stop sweating buckets.

Stop being so hot in the face, and stop looking at Lardo she’s just as awkward as you right now you make it worse, and do something now because you’ve been looking at each other for a few seconds too much it’s just weird at this point.

Lardo is leaving. You need to say goodbye.

Just imagine it’s Jack.

So Bitty braced himself and pecked her on the lips.

“Goodbye, sweetpea!” he said with a broken voice.

That was so _wrong_.

Okay, it wasn’t _that_ bad, it lasted less than a second and they barely touched, but still.

Behind the Bittles, Nursey silently reenacted the mindblown gif. See if you ever get a rhubarb pie again, Nursey.

Lardo bid her goodbyes to everyone else and ran away from the Haus.

“You both are so cute,” Suzanne said with a fond tone.

* * *

Dinner was an easy feat. Lardo had texted she’d only be back by eight, so to eat without her and to let a Tupperware in the fridge. Bitty managed to convince his parents to go eat in a restaurant (less time spent with the team, less time for any of them to risk to accidently spill the beans) and he kept the conversation going at every single family member he could remember of to avoid talking about himself and his life. His parents each had more than four siblings, so they could go on for hours like that.

They came back to the Haus after dinner, and sit on the bench of the porch to share a drink there.

“I’m giving you my bed, two people can fit on it, I just need to install the cot for me before you decide to go to sleep… We’ve already set the one for Holster’s parents in the attic.” Bitty told his parents.

“No, no, do not worry Dicky! You don’t need to bother with that.”

“Well, yes, I mean mama, I have to sleep somewhere and I definitely am not going on the couch. Neither are y’all.”

“No, but, I _mean,_” she said, with a knowing smile.

Bitty was scared.

“You’re a grown boy, and you know what should and should not be done, and it’s not like we are usually here to keep a watch on you. So, we trust you, and… Well, do as you probably usually do, and go sleep with your girlfriend. We don’t mind, we are cool parents. I know you are not married yet, but, well, it would be quite hypocritical from your father and I to try to keep you from sleeping with each other, because, you know-”

Bitty was scarred.

* * *

So it’s in Lardo’s bed that Bitty was spending the night. It was a bunk bed and it was terrible, as it definitely wasn’t stable enough to Bitty’s taste. At least, the two of them being regularly-sized human beings and not two bros, they could almost comfortably fit. And contrary to a bro with whom Bitty often slept in close quarters, she didn’t have cold feet.

Said bro seemed to find the situation hilarious, if his texts were of any indication.

**Mr Zim-my-man, Bitty Bits**

> So you have a girlfriend ?  
> Noice.

>> Mr Zimmermann, did you just ‘Noice’ at me?

> Nooice.

>> I kissed her, Jack. It was terrible. Now im sleeping in her bed

> Should I feel jealous ? Scared that you may leave me for a younger woman ?

>> Don’t worry, no chances, she’s an art student. She’s far from your seven-figures salary  
>> How did ya even hear of it

> Tadpole in your groupchat was talking about it and were ecstatic and visibly “confused they only learned now when it’s been two months” and R&H shared screenshots in -our- groupchat how haven’t you seen it.

>> I was too busy taking care of my mom who was freaking out because she’d have biological grandchildren so she’s THRILLED but they’d be half-“Chinese” and how strangers in the street will react if they see her with a baby who doesn’t look like a carbon copy of her like would they think she’s the nanny or that she kidnapped them or what

> Oh bud that much….

>> I mean there’s a reason why I can’t come out. That ain’t just me being a drama queen.  
>> I’m pretty sure she didn’t even realise what she was saying.

> :-(  
> I wish things were easier, Bits.

>> And so do I. I wish I could just. Tell the whole world you’re my boyfriend, and that the only people disgusted are the ones done with how cute we are.

> One day, Bits. Soon. I love you.

“My life is terrible and this was the worse idea ever” Bitty said, while he was tweeting his dismay.

“While you were in the bathroom,” Lardo said, not taking her eyes off her phone, “- I think your parents were trying to subtly ask me if I am a US citizen.”

“What? Why would they do that?”

“To know if I want to marry you to get papers or something I guess. But I’m not sure? Maybe they were truly curious about my birthplace.”

“Oh goodness, I am so ashamed.”

“You should have seen my parents when I brought my white-as-hell beard.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Nah, it’s okay. Just make sure than when we ‘break up’- it’s ugly. I’m telling like fake sobs and awful stories and all that. I want that when I see them at your graduation next year, they’ll lower their heads in fear. That’ll teach them.”

“Yeah, I mean, that was the plan. Go big or go home.”

Both didn’t talk for a while, focusing on their cellphones instead.

“My parents are currently thinking that we’re having sex right now.”

“Do you want to make me puke? Because that’s how I puke.”

“I know, right?”

He had put his phone away, and his eyes were glaring of the little of the ceiling he could see in the dark.

“I… I’m sorry, Lardo. That sucks. Everything.”

“Yeah. Don’t sweat it.”

“It’s just. I’m so sad. My parents are so happy and proud that I’m _not gay_. We’re the worse couple and they don’t even notice. I just wish they could feel the same way if instead of introducing them a fake girlfriend, I introduced them my actual boyfriend.”

“Find an actual boyfriend first.”

Bitty turned towards Lardo, his face pinched.

“Yeah, so, about that.”

Lardo looked at him. She frowned. Then realised.

“Oh, my god.”

“Yes so, I have a boyfriend.”

“You dooooo! Who?”

“No names.”

“Of course not.”

“And you don’t tell anyone in the Haus, you get to know just because you’re helping me out.”

“Not even Shitty?”

“I’m pretty sure he already knows, so you can.”

“So, who?”

“Samwell-related. A bit older. Athletic. I’m way out of his league and the best thing that will ever happen to him. An ass to die for. The forgotten boxers on the dashboard are is. Very serious but very funny.”

“Hehe” she said, getting back on her phone. “I know who it is.”

A few minutes later, Bitty’s own phone warned him of incoming messages.

**Mr Crappy, Juicy Bits**

> yo so I heard u my gf’s bf  
> and a lil bird told meh U got a bf????  
> I have a law students party next week I need ypu to come to instroduce you as my gf’s bf. Bring ur bf so you all’ll be my gf, my gf’s bf and my gf’s bf’s bf

>> your gf’s bf’s bf who is your bff

> as if he could be half of the man jack is  
> no offebse

>> :^)

“Lardo….” Bitty said, locking his phone and putting it aside. “I am happy and honoured that you are my fake girlfriend. You’re a real bro, bro.”

“Bro, I am also honoured to be your beard. The only one you’ll ever get, you twink.”

“Bro…”

“Bro.”

“No, truly, hun, don’t you think that I’ve gotten more onto the hunkish side lately-?”

“Yeah, but-”

And that’s on those beautiful words that they fell asleep, dreaming of love, friendship, and pies.

Or like, Lardo fell asleep and began to snore so loudly that the bunk bed was shaking. Hitting the wall. And making so. Much. Noise.

Bitty tried to do something. He stuck his pillow on her face; it changed nothing. He tried to turn her. He tried to blast music to drown out her snores. He tried to wake her up and ask for mercy.

And when Bitty thought it couldn’t get worse, by two AM, she began to talk.

At first, only a word here and there, and, when she said “I’m sorry, Mr Darcy, but we can’t be”, he took it as his cue to go and get down the bed, above Lardo’s comatose body with not an ounce of care, with his pillow, his phone and enough frustration that he was fuming.

He crossed the bathroom and entered Chowder’s bedroom, navigating between the kegs stored here and pushed him to have some space on the bed, too. Chowder barely opened an eye and groaned a little bit, but did leavet him some space before going back to sleep immediately.

When the alarm rang at seven, Bitty felt hungover without having the pleasure of drinking a drop of beer. It was cruel. Why. He finally opened his eyes, to see that Chowder was prompted on his forearms, frowning at him in confusion.

“Lardo snores.”

“’K,” Chowder replied, plopping back on his pillow.

They finally stumbled out of bed after fifteen minutes, because Holster was banging at Chowder’s door to get him to get up.

Good thing, today was a game day. And thus, it wasn’t a let’s-spend-the-day-with-the-parents day. Both the Bittles and the Birkholtz seniors got up by the time everyone in the Haus was getting out.

“Hi mom, Coach, Mr and Mrs Holster’s parents,” Bitty (the last one inside) sleepily said to the parents in the stairs, while he was trying to tie his shoes (Ransom and Holster had taken off the entirety of his laces to prank him. Haha, hilarious. You’ll see when you’ll get sriracha in your pies.) “Just take whatever you want in the kitchen for breakfast. The coffee machine is capricious.”

“Ice practice starts at ten if you want to come see us,” Holster, who was standing in the doorway, added. “Remember where the rink is?”

But before any of the Certified Adults could answer, Lardo’s still sleepy voice yelled from outside:

“Bittle, you better get your goddamn fingers out of your fucking ass right here, right now, and tie those freaking shoes or come barefoot for all I care, because if you’re not here in twenty seconds I won’t be held accountable of my actions.”

Bitty was horrified. Holster was terrified. Ariel and Ariel were already in the kitchen. And the Bittles? Well. Suzanne was chuckling.

“Women before coffee, uh?” Coach said to his son with a smile.

“Yeah. Uh. What you said.”

**Mr Zimms, Bitty Bits**

>> omg everything is terrible

> What isn’t with you

>> nothing, but it is extra terrib;e rn  
>> u see lards in the morning when she ddnt sleep good???

> What, your manly presence wasn’t enough to give her the best night of her life ?

>> my manly presence ran away in the middle of the night because of the sleep talking and the snores

> Cruel. She woke up alone, when she thought she had found the prince charming.

>> and I finished the night in a man’s bed  
>> chowder is a uch better bedmate than her lol

> You are, as the kids say nowadays…  
> Savage :-)

>> everything about what you said is just so wrong, sweetie.  
>> anyway the point is. She got angry t me for being late, like im use tp it its lardo shes my bro idc I know she’s not thinking it its just. Early-morning Lardo, not unlike finals-period Lardo

> oh yeah I know her. I understood what violence was the first day I wasn’t ready to leave the hotel on a roadie at eight on the dot

>> cute.  
>> My parents found us CUTE.  
>> At this point I really think that she could extort me 10k and my dad would say it’s “quirky”

> Don’t tell her that she’ll try

>> I’m just. Wow you have so little standards for me. All you want about my partner is that she’s a woman wth a vagina and a workin uterus so she can lay y’all 5 grandkids ?

> 5 kids is a lot we’re not having 5 kids bittle  
> 3 is good I think

>> that is absolutely not the point I was making here honey


	3. Tinyatoxin

Most of the day was spent away from the parents. They had practice, and they all came to see on-ice training, but after that the Bittles and Ariel & Ariel decided to go to Boston to have lunch and visit the town a little, while Bitty and Holster stayed with the team to prepare for the game late in the afternoon.

Free at last.

They all changed at the end of practice, and when they left the rink to go grab lunch, the Coaches, who were in their office, stopped Bitty and Lardo in the hallway and asked them to come in so they could talk. Both coaches seemed to be a bit confused.

Bitty didn’t even want to know what was happening.

“So,” Coach Hall began. “We talked with your parents, Eric?”

“Apparently, we should congratulate you both?”

“Oh my God,” Bitty said, wishing to be anywhere on this planet, but here.

“Listen, we’re not against your relationship at all-” Coach Murray tried. “We’re just… Surprised? But please understand that there are rules that must be followed, on roadies and all, as you’re a player and the manager, and-”

“Nope-” Lardo began.

“Oh god. No. No, we’re not together,” Bitty cut him out. “I’m gay. It’s just- My parents. They don’t know. And -well, it was easier. To do that for the week-end.”

“See Roger?” Coach Hall said. “I told you Eric was gay and out and they weren’t _really_ together.”

“Yeah, I know, hence my confusion?” Coach Murray defended. “Anyway, don’t worry, we told your parents what they wanted to hear, even if we had no idea of what was happening.”

“Thank you so much Coach. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t worry, son. I’m sorry you have to do something like that with you own parents.”

* * *

They won the game!

Bitty was so proud of his team. For once that his parents came to see him play – the very first time! Even when he was paying with his coed team in high school, they never came! So yeah, he was damn proud.

The parents treated the whole team to the nearest dinner, and they had a swell time. Even Holster, who got recognised by the waitress who asked him if he wanted his usual MegaBaconCheeseBurger XL – Holster who had to hurry and try to convince the poor girl that no, never he’d eat something like that, she must mistake him for another abnormally large, blond and teethy athlete.

Back to the Haus, Bitty and Lardo got roped into hanging out on the porch with Suzanne and Coach a little bit. Suzanne began to ask Lardo more about her art projects, enthusiast at last, and Coach, who was next to Bitty, slapped his shoulder in a very manly way.

“That was a nice game, son.”

“Thanks, Daddy.”

“I’m proud of you. You’re a great player, you’ve got a nice girlfriend, you’re becoming a great man – it’s good. All I wanted for you.”

Sure. Bitty became a good player because he surpassed his trauma thanks to Jack’s checking clinics and the therapy sessions his friends managed to convince Bitty to go to, his girlfriend was fake and he was hiding a whole-ass beefcake boyfriend in his closet, and the “_great_ _man_” that he was becoming was just that Bitty bro-outed his accent, his wardrobe and his quirks as much as he could to not look _too_ gay in front of his parents, but go on I guess.

“Yeah. It’s good,” Bitty just replied.

Tomorrow night, his parents will be gone. He had less than 24 hours to go.

“Okay, kids,” Suzanne suddenly said as she got up, loud enough so that Bitty would hear too. “At what hour is church service tomorrow morning?”

Bitty did his homework. He knew which church was the closest in denomination to the one his parents went to back in Madison, and he had checked the service hours – even if he hadn’t put a foot here since last parents’ weekend, and won’t do it again until the next one.

“Eight or ten AM. I’d rather go at the ten AM one, I’m really tired.”

Lardo, next to him, looked at him with alarmed eyes.

The answer seemed to satisfy Suzanne and Coach though, because they bid their adieux for the night and went to bed, leaving both Lardo and Bitty alone on the porch.

“What the hell Bitty?”

“What?”

“Church?”

“Yeah? I think I complained enough about my small-town church and my small-town pastor and my small-town Mama’s ‘Bible Studies’ that are actually gossip circles for you to not be surprised that I’m not Muslim?”

“I am not going to church Bits. Sorry, not sorry. Not Christian and don’t plan to make any concession on this.”

“Oh- yes. Yes, of course, don’t come if you don’t want to.”

They stayed silent for a while, before Lardo said:

“Think about it that way; once you’ll come out, and you’ll introduce them your actual beau -it can only go great. Because. Yes he’s got a penis. But at _least_, he’s got a better future than an _art student_. He’s nice with you. He’s an athlete. He’s Christian. He’s an American citizen, born and bred. He’s white.”

“Ok so first of all, thanks for the reminder that my parents are actually far from the good people I remembered them to be, and then – no? He is _Jewish_ and _Israeli-Canadian_?”

“What- who are you talking about?” Lardo asked, frowning. “I’m talking about your _boyfriend.”_

“Yes? Me too? Which boyfriend are _you _talking about?” Bitty said, utterly confused.

“Max? From the swimming team? Who’s in my French class? Who’s always hanging around here to talk to you and shit? Athletic, an ass to die for, you’re way out of his league? Max?”

“Wha- What. What the hell. No. First, Max doesn’t care about me _like that_. Second. Jack. I’m dating Jack.”

“Ok so boy, hear me out. Max _totally_ cares about you like that. And who the _fuck _is this ‘Jack’.”

“Who- Lardo. Lardo. _Jack?_ Are you kidding me?” Bitty yelped. “How many _Jacks_ do we know?”

“Quite a lot, let’s not lie here. There’s 6 of them in this frat row alone.”

“_Lardo. _Lardo. _Jack_. Jack Zimmermann.”

“Yeah, what?”

“_I’m dating Jack Zimmermann._”

Lardo stilled. Looked at Bitty. Looked in front of her. Looked back at Bitty.

“… What?”

“What, _what._”

“_Jack_? Our Jack? Cheekbones, NHL player, Eeyore Jack?”

“Why you’re calling him ‘Eeyore’ now.”

“He kinda looks like Eeyore.”

“… You’re not wrong. Anyway -yes, I’m dating him.”

“Since _when_?”

“Since his graduation?”

“And I only know _now_?”

“_Yes? _But how could you think I was with _Max_? I mean. I was pretty clear with my description. Of course that was _Jack_. What the hell.”

“Holy _shit_ you’re dating Jack Zimmermann.”

“Ok, you’re going to be able to get over it someday, or…?”

“Since when is he… playing for our team?”

“Well, _obviously_ he woke up one morning and decided that it was the best idea ever to become a bisexual,” Bitty sighed, rolling his eyes.

“He’s bi? He never told _me_? When I came out to him? When I needed sobidarity when surrounded by straight boys?”

“Not my problem.”

“Woah. You landed _Jack Zimmermann_. You’re right, you’re right out of his league. And your parents will love him once you come out, so there’s that.”

“You’re kidding. He lost so many points when he came for the Fourth of July and he _also_ refused to go to church…”

This night, Bitty didn’t even bother to try to sleep with Lardo. He bunked with Chowder straight away (plus Chowder was a cuddler when he slept so that was nice), after managing to exchange a few texts with Jack who was on a roadie on the West Coast so, no need to say, a bit busy and jetlagged. Honestly, Bitty couldn’t wait to be Sunday night, to have his bedroom again and be able to Skype with his boyfriend.

In the morning, the Bittles were disappointed to learn that Lardo was NOT coming to church.

“Oh,” Mama had said. “You’re sure?”

“Kinda, yes?” Lardo said. “Not a Christian.”

At the same time, she remembered that she was supposed to be the perfect girlfriend. The last thing Bitty and her needed now what that Suzanne went on a tangent about cross-cultural relationships and Sally’s neighbour’s daughter who divorced her Californian boy because they couldn’t work together or some other bullshit that Lardo refused to listen to at not even nine AM with only two coffees in her bloodstream. So she smiled, and she proposed:

“I can cook lunch while you’re in church maybe?”

Ariel & Ariel were going to Providence with Holster and Ransom for lunch at Ariel’s (or Ariel’s?) aunt, and Chowder was going with Farmer on their traditional Sunday-date, so it would only be them for lunch anyway. So, here, Lardo proposing to cook for them, isn’t that what straight people expect from women and all that jazz? It would make the Bittles happy and not too antsy about her not being there and all.

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Bitty added. “Larissa is such a good cook. She once made- a meal. Like. Wow.”

“Yes, that was a meal very ‘wow’ indeed,” Lardo confirmed.

“Haha -well, please, blow our minds,” Coach laughed.

The Bittles left soon after (his parents were right there, so really, Bitty couldn’t escape the goodbye peck on the lips once again) to walk to church, that was not that far from the Haus. Discreetly, when his parents were now more focused on looking at the buildings on the campus and all, Bitty took his phone out of his pocket to text Lardo.

**Lady Lards, Sir Bits**

>>on our way to church  
>> At least you can cook. Just. Do whatever and charm them please. Ill god honest bake you your weight -no, holster(s xeight- in pies.

> Bitty. Bitty I cant cook.

>> What??? No. of course you can cook

Lardo always had Tupperwares of food at lunch. They smelled _so_ good. ‘_Yeah, I made it yesterday night_’, she would say. ‘_Wanna some?_’. Sadly, she didn’t have the time to cook anymore now that she’s a senior, but cooking was like riding bicycle -you can’t forget it.

> Bitty, Chowder saw me trying to microwave a pcket of ramen. I didn’t know it needed water, or to take the aluminium wrapping off

>> But……. Your butternut pasta

> that I stopped bringing this year, now that I’m in the haus????  
> I never cooked it. My dorm roommate did. I did the chores and she cooked for us both

>> you LIED???

> Bits-bits, sweetheart, my other half, you cant criticize anyone for lying RIGHT NOW you know that

>> But  
>> You NEED to cook smtg !!!!!! Somtg good!!!!

> I cant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>> Why did you tell my mom that you COULD cook then ???

> I just wanted to be the ideal in-law okay?  
> I’m committed into this relationship!!!! More than you seem to be!  
> I make all the efforts and sacrifices !!!

>> YOU make all the efforts? YOU?

The Bittles had just entered the church, and Suzanne glared at Bitty to have him put his phone away. He put it in his pocket, trying to look remorseful, and made sure that his father would be sitting between he and his mom -and the second all of them were sitting, Bitty had his phone out once more, albeit much more discreetly now.

>> Okay let’s focus. Lunch. Can you cry for help?

> A Sunday morning. On a campus. You know the answer as well as me. The Haus will be empty until three, the whole team is hungover or having walks of shame or brunch. Or all of that at the same time

>> I know.  
>> Wait.  
>> I KNOW.

> u know how to impress mr and MRS bittle with 0 culinary skill???? Show me how bro

>> Lards. Im sorry but I don’t know anything about Vietnamese cuisine.  
>> Neither do they.  
>> The spiciest thing they have ever eaten was a merguez, once.

> bits  
> bits no

Bits, yes. The service was beginning, but Bitty wasn’t listening to anything and his father, next to him didn’t pay any attention to his son.

>> Cook the spiciest thing you can and call it typical vietnamese cuisine. They won’t be able to eat more than three forks before their tastebuds burn so much they won’t be able to taste anything for three days   
>> They won’t dare criticise ‘typical Vietnamese cuisine’ after I chewed them out about their casual racism yesterday  
>> You’re an artist just make it pretty who cares if it’s edible

> you owe me so much pies

A notification in the group chat stopped the conversation.

**🎇** **✨** ** SAMWELL ALL STARS ** **🌟🌠**

_Lardon salé_  
> [Screenshot of Bitty’s “just make it pretty who cares if it’s edible”]  
> I made Bitty say looks>tatste, ransom n holster n jack I want my 5 bucks by noon on my desk

_Bite-y  
_> WHAT

_Cockster_  
> Bits youre a riot I czant wait that ur parents go back to Georgia  
> sad I lost the bet 🙁

_Jackie sans Michel_  
> :-(  
> And here I am, who can only make him say that it’s not the size that counts but only the taste

_Lardon salé_  
> 😱

_Cockster  
_> ??

_Bite-y  
_> IM IN CHURCH

_Lardon salé  
_> 🤯

_Cockster  
_> ?? I don’t get it

**Lady Lards, Sir Bits**

> Did Jack just say that

>> Im going to kill him then all the people on the conversation then myself

> Did you really say that

>> STFU were talking about your nuclear dish  
>> there’s still around fifty ounces of siracha in the haus and harissa in the fridge  
>> There’s also some birds chili somewhere

> how did we never notice you’re together? You’re around 0 percent subtle

>> there’s curry in the drawer but if you touch my fancy spice mix im making you eat the entire plate  
>> not my fault yall are blinder than my parents now be quiet about that young lady

> wait wasn’t that an auto-burn?????  
> like if you did tell him that size doesn’t matter but taste does  
> does that mean he has a tiny dick  
> you’ve shared a locker room its not like you didn’t know it before doing the do

>> oh my god  
>> let’s say he’s not much of a grower ok  
>> can we go back to cooking now????????????????

> I just dumped all the leftover chicken and some vegetables and rice noodles in a pan  
> and gonna empty the harissa and the sriracha in it

>> please make sure the chicken is actually cooked I’d rather they die of overheat, not salmonella

Mama noticed that Bitty was on the phone – she coughed, loudly, to make him listen to the preacher. He did, for thirty seconds, before going back to his phone.

> the bird chili will kill the salmonella  
> holy shit that’s so RED  
> There’s leftover plain rice for two in the fridge. You’re vegetarian so you’ve got an excuse to eat it, let’s just say im vegetarian too

>> There’s some tomato sauce left, right? In a glass jar?  
>> How close in colour is it to your nuclear bomb?

> quite close actually!

>> Ok so. In a Tupperware put the tomato sauce and the same vegetables and a bit of salt and pepper and put it in the microwave. Once it’s hot put it in a saucepan with the rice. So it looks like it’s the same meal, we just have no meat in ours. It’d be weird if we can’t eat the Bomb either or if we just have plain rice.

> but the vegetable wont be cooked correctly… I can just heat the tomato sauce and all in the second pan

>> we’ll eat around the vegetables. I don’t trust you to use the stove to cook us something we’re supposed to eat

> fair  
> my sinuses were clogged but now I can breathe correctly again  
> that’s how strong the smell is  
> I decided to call my dish the “Tinyatoxin”. Because I just checked the Wikipedia page about spicy food and tinyatoxin is one of the spiciest things of the planet. And im tiny

>> I so want to see Holster trying to eat it.

> god tonight we’re inviting the whole team to make a contest of who can eat the most of it  
> hey just a question how much pepper is too much pepper

>> what have you done

> pepper dispenser broke in the Tinyatoxin

>> my eyes water just imagining it

> the conclusion of this thrilling story is that next time im going back home ill ask my grandma to teach me some actual Vietnamese dishes

>> please do I wanna try!!

When they arrived back Haus after church… Well, Bitty regretted his idea at the second that he entered the house, because _man_, the smell was _strong_. Lardo had opened the windows but still, it just smelled sriracha and tabasco in the whole Haus.

“Oh that smells… Strong.” Mama said.

“Oh, yes,” Lardo replied. “It’s… A typical Vietnamese dish. Learnt from my mother, and her by her mother before her. It’s ready in ten minutes. I’d say.”

Bitty shooed his parents away in the living-room, so he could dress the table in the kitchen and assess the lethality of the Tinyatoxin. (Very lethal. If you ate a full plate of this thing, you’d die.)

The safe tomato sauce somehow smelled not so good either, even though Lardo had barely touched it. It would make do for now, but really, Bitty should propose Lardo to give her some basic cooking lessons because she’ll never be able to feed herself once out of the Haus.

The Bittle came over when Bitty called them once the table was set, while Lardo was filling the plates. She managed, indeed, to make it look pretty, with fresh coriander and basil that were growing on the windowsill and some fresh onions to decorate it.

“So… What’s inside?” Coach asked, looking at the red mixture.

“Chicken. Chicken stock (an entire box, because Lardo honestly didn’t know that one cube was more than enough). A little bit of spices and chili and vegetables. It’s a _bit _strong.”

“It should be okay.”

It wasn’t. Mama shed a single tear of pain. Coach was purple in the face. Bitty and Lardo’s own non-spicy plates weren’t much better, to be honest. Like, you could eat it without dying, but it wasn’t in any way _good_. They still both finished their plates, and in the meantime the Bittles had managed to eat three forks each.

“Done?” Lardo asked, not wanting them to suffer any longer.

“_Yes_,” Coach replied.

“It was… Very good. But. We had a huge breakfast (wrong), so we’re not that hungry,” Mama laughed.

“She’s a great cook, isn’t she? I keep telling her. ‘Wow, sweetheart, please cook some of this… _This_, for us.’”

“Yes, that’s. Great that you found someone whose cooking you love, sweetheart,” Mama said.

“Speaking of being with people whose cooking we love, Bitty-love, there’s one of your pies in the fridge for dessert.”

“Oh, yes, and bread and jam.”

“_Yes, please_,” Coach let out. “Pie and jam. Son, you have no idea how much I miss your jam.” (Suzanne glared at him.) “Not that I don’t like the jam that we have at home.”

Suzanne and Coach totally destroyed the pie, and Bitty and Lardo let them do because they deserved it, and soon enough, it was time for the last afternoon before they left. Lardo had her art project to finish at the studio and wanted out, like, two days ago – so she bid her goodbyes, knowing she wouldn’t be back before late, the Bittles both hugged her, telling her how happy they were to have met her and that she totally should come for Christmas to meet Moomaw and everyone, and she pecked Bitty on the lips in front of his parents one last time before leaving.

“She’s really a great girl,” Coach said. “Not… The kind of girl I’d have imagined you ending with, but… You really work well together.”

“Yeah. Sure. That.”

The last afternoon was nice, at least. They walked around campus and took some coffee to go and Bitty got to show his father around, and they talked about everything but Bitty.

They saw Ollie and Wicks near the lake. They were far away, sitting on a blanket, to enjoy the nice fall afternoon, and Wicks happily waved at them from where they were – it made Ollie turn, and he waved them too.

“They’re your teammates, no?” Mama asked. “Do you want to go say hello?”

“Oh, no. Let’s not bother them;” Bitty replied. And then, clear, concise, defiant: “They’re on a date.”

“On a date? Where are their girlfriends?”

Bitty looked at Mama. Then at Coach. Then, he just raised an eyebrow.

“Oh,” Coach said.

“Well, that’s. Great.” Mama added. “They seem… Happy.”

“They are. They’re getting married next summer, after graduation. I think that like, half of the team has been appointed as groomsmen.”

“Oh. That’s. That’s good that your team is… good. With them.”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t we be.”

The whole conversation hadn’t been too catastrophic. Bitty took it as a win, the only of the weekend, and kept it somewhere in his mind to think about later.

At the end of the afternoon, they came back home so the Bittles could grab their bags, and they hugged on the porch while Holster was putting in his truck the suitcases to bring back both sets of parents at the airport.

“Call me when you’re home,” Bitty told his mom.

“Of course. And say goodbye to your girlfriend from us, ok?”

“You’re sure you don’t want a Tupperware of her lunch to bring back home?”

“It’s… We’d love too, really, but I doubt it’ll go past customs.”

“Okay, so I’ll just ask her to cook it when we’ll come from Christmas.”

“I- Christmas meals schedules are _sooo_ packed…” Mama began. Bitty made a sad face at that. “But I’m sure we’ll find a moment for her to cook it, won’t we?”

“Bye, Mama. Have a nice flight.”

When the truck left the Haus’ driveway, Bitty looked at it, leaning on the pillar of the porch.

He needed a fucking beer.

“Terrible, uh?” he heard, from behind him.

Lardo was in the doorway of the Haus, demoralised.

“You’re not at the studio?”

“Came back half an hour ago. Thought they left already, but visibly, not, so I hid in my room.”

“At least the afternoon was good. They didn’t talk about you or made jabs at me or at anyone, actually, at all.”

Lardo walked to him, both hands in her hoodie.

“Hey, Bits. Sometimes, parents are shit. Growing up is realising that the people who raised us weren’t that great, and trying to be better than them.”

“It still breaks my heart to know how _relieved_ they are to think I’m not gay.”

“Wanna forget all about it? I know an actual Vietnamese restaurant, that serves actual Vietnamese food that you legally _need_ to try after what you made me cook, and _great_ alcohol, and you owe me at least_, fifty meals_. We should go right now, and we’ll feed the guys the Tinyatoxin when Hols’ back.”

“Sounds like a plan, Lards. Maybe we should break up publicly at the restaurant.”

“Oh, perfect. Leave in a rush without paying and maybe I’ll have a discount. I can’t wait to be your ex. I hope we can stay friends.”

“It may be hard,” Bitty smiled, “but we can try, soon-to-be-ex-fake-girlfriend. And- thank you. Again.”

“No problem. ‘Love you, bro.”

“Love you too.”

It wasn’t dramatic kisses under the rain, but somehow it meant much more to the two of them.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](http://insertatitlehere.tumblr.com/)   
[Other OMGCP works](https://archiveofourown.org/works?utf8=%E2%9C%93&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=revised_at&include_work_search%5Bfandom_ids%5D%5B%5D=1147379&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&commit=Sort+and+Filter&user_id=emimix3)


End file.
